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Number 2


Observation 5.1
January 7, 2005
I wanted my first observation for 2005 to be a memorable one, but I 
kept on running into a mental block.  I wanted to put together an 
observation that demonstrated my quirkiness, was funny, and was a topic that 
many of you could either agree with wholeheartedly, or vehemently 
disagree with.  Without much luck, I decided to take a bathroom break, and 
that is when I had my "epiphany."  As some of you know, I have a certain 
quirk about going to the bathroom, and I know some of you are with me on 
this, and some of you are against me.  
O.K., my quirk isn't anything disgusting, as is usually the case. It's 
just that I don't like taking a growler in public restrooms, work 
restrooms, or any restrooms outside of my house.  I find that my best works 
of "spin art" take place in the confines of my home commode, 
particularly, the one upstairs.  There are times in which I am not at home and 
nature calls, and I will be forced to drop the trunks in foreign places. 
This usually happens at work.  When I was employed by Penn State 
Delaware County, I knew the best times of finding an empty restroom at just 
about any place on campus.  In fact, sometimes I would travel clear 
across campus, just so I could enjoy peace and quiet whilst hanging 
When I left Penn State for Lockheed Martin, my biggest fear would be 
having to use lavatory facilities that would either be crowded all day, 
or ones with inconsistent usage - ones in which I wouldn't be able to 
gauge when a good time to "sink the Bismarck" would be.  My fears were 
warranted, as there seems to never be a time when I can walk into a 
vacant bathroom to take care of my business.  In fact, on numerous 
occasions, I have traveled to all four restroom facilities in a row in order to 
find one with nobody in it, so that I could "take the Browns to the 
Super Bowl." 
Unfortunately, once a vacant restroom is found, often times somebody 
will enter while I'm in the middle of "drowning the brown."  I hate this 
with a passion.  I am like a church mouse with this, in that I will 
stop my crapping until that person leaves.  Of course, it is entirely 
possible that more people will come in - I have spent 25 minutes or more in 
my own stink a few times, waiting for the coast to be clear.  But the 
thing that pisses me off the most is when I'm in one stall, and somebody 
else comes in and takes a seat next to me in the other stall.  I think 
it should be common courtesy to not occupy the stall next to one that 
is being used.  I need to be focused to get my job done, and I can't do 
that when the person next to me is releasing mud eels.  It's just not 
in it for me to be able to do this.
Now, I know some of you take great pride in sharing your crapping 
experiences with others in the restroom.  Some of you go out of the way to 
be loud, obnoxious, and absolutely smelly in the bathroom.  A precious 
few of you will have conversations with others while "planting the 
corn."  Are you kidding me?  How is this possible?  Please - this is a 
private thing. I refuse to let my wife come into the bathroom at home while 
I'm "feeding the dung beetles." It is my time to be alone, relaxed, and 
enjoying the smell. I can't do that with others around, forcing their 
stench on me.  No offense, I'm sure you are all great guys, but I don't 
want to know how your poopie smells or sounds.  
Of course, there are some people who take the quirk to a whole new 
level.  First of all, let me say that I am not making this up. Some people 
actually wrap their hand in toilet paper, and catch their poop so that 
it does not make any noise.  That is truly disgusting and I find no 
redeeming qualities in that at all.  I can accept the fact that some 
people layer the toilet with paper so that it doesn't splash and it muffles 
the sound, but people who catch their poop should really consider some 
psychiatric help, because something isn't right.
Now, before I wrap this observation up, I have some suggestions on how 
my public dumping experience can be improved.  First of all, companies, 
restaurants, and bars should eliminate stalls, and make personal 
bathrooms in restrooms with a real door, and real walls, so that the sound 
and smell can be stifled a little bit.  Secondly, there should be some 
sort of white noise being pumped in these rooms, so that the sound will 
be hidden even more.  I am sure these probably aren't the most 
efficient, both from a monetary and spatial-use perspective, but my ass and I 
would surely appreciate it.
I know that none of you ever respond to my observations, and to tell 
you the truth, I'm not sure how many of you still read it.  But, I would 
like to see where you stand on this, and why.  Please, respond to me 
either via e-mail (losrulz2002@yahoo.com), or on my guest book 
(http://two.guestbook.de/gb.cgi?gid=490420&prot=xtxsby).  And, please, 
be creative with your answers.

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