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From Branon Moyer:

The class-action suit filed against McDonald's last week claiming the defendant's food is at fault for their health problems, has had a ripple-effect throughout our nation. The magnitude of the lawsuit's impact is still being realized as Americans across all demographics begin a wholesale review of their lifestyles. The average person now must face the prospect of a heretofore unrealized world of danger that lurks behind every paper plate, pillow, shoelace and any other daily impedimenta. Initial findings are numerous and shocking. For example: 

  • A 50 year old Nebraska man discovered the inherent danger of walloping his testicles with a hammer.  Consequently, he has filed a $10 million suit against both Crafstman (the hammer's manufacturer), and American Home Furnishings (manufacturer of the chair on which he was seated).  The plaintiff, in addition to being angry with Craftsman for failure to warn against the dangers of blunt deceleration trauma and human scrota, took issue with American Home Furnishings' negligence in appraising the public of the potential danger of their products' usage as a platform for smashing one's love eggs.

 

  • A suit has been filed against Vaseline, Redken and the Zippo Manufacturing Co. by the parents of two 16 year old boys - one whose face suffered 3rd degree burns while the other had his ass blown off. Details are sketchy, but it would appear that the boys were unaware of how dangerous it is to ram a can of Redken's Airtight Lockout Finishing Spray which is 4" in diameter - hence the need for Vaseline - into your rectum and light the spray

 

Matt Robinson's Deep Thoughts - 3/24/03